I stood half way up a small hill looking at Aidan, and the rest of the hill just past him. Aidan and I were on a weekend away to Killarney over the summer and we visited Torc Waterfall. Torc Waterfall was beautiful and if you have ever visited you will know that it really is a lovely place. I was feeling sore and even the 500 metres of rough ground from the car park to the waterfall seemed like it was defeating me. We had looked at the waterfall, taken some pictures, sat and talked by it and all I could think about was the huge row of steps behind us, which I knew Aidan would want to explore.
In situations like this I often feel like a burden or a kill joy to my friends. It can be tough, not just for me but for my friends too. They want me to be able to take part in activities but they don’t want to see me in pain, whilst at the same time they don’t want to have to miss out just because I have to. Something they don’t know is sometimes I really am okay with that. There has been and will be many more times where I will have to miss out on an activity, and that really is okay. It’s fine because I would rather miss out on something than be in pain for days just because I pushed myself. I have learned to weigh up the situation around me and decide whether something will be worthwhile in the end or not.
That day was not one of those times though! I really wanted to see what was at the top of those stairs, not just for Aidan but also for me. I braced myself, and took the first step in what looked like a never ending staircase. It’s at times like these I really am grateful for my support network, Aidan being a major part of that. We have been a couple for just over three years and he is really great with regards to my condition. He has always been understanding and supportive since the day I told him.
Aidan is not exactly the sporty type but a large hill or a long walk would do little to scare him. He has a very curious nature and whenever we go anywhere he wants to explore. This means that sometimes I am left telling him to go ahead without me, something he will rarely do. It can be frustrating to watch him look longingly at a long walk way or steep hill and just walk away, both of us leaving unsatisfied. I want him to be able to do all that he can do despite the fact that I am just not up to things like that a lot of the time. I see his brother and his girlfriend play fighting and even messing with airsoft guns, having shooting competitions and I think, “Jesus I can’t even hold the gun never mind shoot it”, and honestly I often feel as though he misses out on a lot because he fell in love with me.
However on that day at the Waterfall Aidan pushed me, but I needed it. It wasn’t actually climbing the stairs that was bothering me as much as not knowing when the stairs would end! I was already feeling sore and tired, what if the stairs went on forever? Obviously that was an irrational thought but when you are there looking at the steps in front of you, you don’t think like that. You just think “I can’t do this!”
I looked at his face and I saw his belief in me, as corny as that sounds. Knowing that he knew I could do it, I felt like I could. In fact I knew I could. Trust me I still moaned the whole way up, I panted like a dog in heat and I was sweating like a pig but I did it. Slowly mind you, but I made it to the top, I stopped plenty of times and was coached by Aidan but I got to the top. After that, I made it through the whole “yellow trail” which I must point out is the easiest walking trail but I still felt very proud of myself. The views at the higher points of the walk were amazing and though it took a lot of effort on my part and patience on Aid’s part it was definitely worth it.
Yes I have a lifelong illnesses that makes my bones ache but I am lucky that I can still walk, I can still climb. Yes, it is tough but someday I really might not be able to do these things and I am learning that it really is worth at least trying while I still can. No pain, no gain!
You just have to remember that sometimes “You can do this!” you just have to try a bit harder than the people around which really makes the experience all the better.